What's life like without God?

I have come to experience it in the last few months. I am not saying that I have totally renounced God from my life. I am not saying that I am ignoring His very existence. What I am saying is that for the past few months, I had not let Him take His rightful place in my life.

For the past few months, I had been rebellious. I had been deaf and blind. I had been stubborn. I had ignored God's promptings. I must have grieved His heart.

I can just picture it. There I was, living my life my way. And there He was, waving and beaconing to me. I heard Him. I smiled at Him and even waved. But then I went back to what I was doing before. He called again. I waved again. The cycle repeats but with each time, my smiles and waves got lesser. I was beginning to ignore His voice. I tried to face Him but I realised that it's getting difficult. I cried every time I try to talk to Him.

Living my life my way. Was I happy? Truth be told, yes, but only for a very short while. I began to miss God. But like the prodigal son, I was afraid to face my Father. The conversations I had with Him got lesser and shorter. I got lost. I didn't know how to handle things anymore. I got anxious easily, angry easily. My temper was very short. I flared up easily. I got irritated easily. I have lost myself. Without God, I don't know who I am anymore.

This is how life is like without God. Lost.

And now, I want to come back. I want to go back to my Father's arms. And I know He is there, waiting with open arms. Last week in church, I heard Him say, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. My love for you is unending." The very next moment, I heard the worship leader said, "God has promised each and every one of us that never will He leave us; never will He forsake us."

Thank You, Father God. Thank You for Your unending love. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy. Thank You for the little assurances that You bring through people and things to reassure me that You still love me and still want me. So here I am, Daddy God. Here I am, rededicating my life to You. May I see You each day again. May I allow You to take Your rightful place in my life again. Lord, I need You. I really do. And please don't let anyone tell me that I am not Your daughter, because the truth is, I am Your daughter and You are my Father. Help me to live my life Your way. I want to love You more each day, Lord.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

A song written by a fellow churchmate

A song that touched me once and brought me to my 'senses'
A song that has touched me again today

TO THE GARDEN ALONE

(A Ballad to the Lord)

Just as I am, without one plea

But that Thy blood was shed for me

Thou biddest me to come to Thee

O Lamb of God, I come I come

Just as I am, and waiting not

To rid my soul of one dark blot

To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot

O Lamb of God, I come I come

Chorus

To the garden alone

While the dew’s on the rose

His voice I hear, it’s falling on my ear

He walks with me, He talks with me

He tells me I’m His own

It’s a joy I’ve never known

Just as I am, though tossed about

With many conflict, many a doubt

Fightings and fears, within and without

O Lamb of God, I come I come

Just as I am, poor wretched blind

Sight riches, healing of my mind

Yes all I need in Thee to find

O Lamb of God, I come I come

Just as I am thou will receive

Wilt welcome pardon cleanse relieve

Because Thy promise I believe

O Lamb of God I come I come

Just as I am Thy love unknown

Hath broken ev’ry barrier down

Now to be Thine yea Thine alone

O Lamb of God I come I come

Chorus

To the garden alone

While the dew’s on the rose

His voice I hear, it’s falling on my ear

He walks with me, He talks with me

He tells me I’m His own

It’s a joy I’ve never known

My God is a Miracle-Maker. If I have to sum up yesterday in a word, it would be the word 'miracle'.

So many miracles happened, revealing the real-ness and awesome-ness of God. How can one ever deny something (or Someone) so real?

Myself
Horrible semester. Expecting horrible results. Hoping and praying for just a pass. But? Miracle happened. I got more than that. I didn't just pass. I didn't scratch the borderline pass. 'B' is my worst grade. I am still in the 'safe' zone. Thank You, God. Thank You so very much. You always always always give me so much more than I ask for, even when I know I don't deserve them.

Rachel
Downest moments. Going nowhere. Broke. Literally no money in her pocket. Gave her last coin away. No money to go home from Dhoby Ghaut. Walk home? Miracle happened. Kind total stranger offered to send her home. Her words: "I am nothing; I have nothing but I am crazy happy." (I said that too last year. "I am nothing; I have nothing but I know in Him, I have everything.")

Juan
HUGE blunder at work. HUGE. May cost her her job and may have to compensate a HUGE amount of money. Jobless then? Miracle happened. Problem resolved with NO compensation on her part, whatsoever. None, zippo. Isn't our God great?

Fen
Another problem at work. Courier lost important legal documents. Cannot find them. No backup copies. No way out. No way to solve it. Files gone forever? Miracle happened. Courier parcels found on the road, by HER OWN OFFICE PEOPLE, no doubt. What are the chances of that happening?

This is my God. The One who is ever so real, ever so faithful, ever so good, ever so loving, ever so forgiving... This is my God, my Father, my Salvation.

To end with what Fanny shared in DG...
My name is Jing Er d/0 the Almighty God (ie. my name is Jing Er, daughter of the Almighty God).
Affirming identity!

My darling (Samantha la.. Not a guy) dedicated this song to me when we KTV-ed. So sweet hor... I actually did teared when you sang that song. Haha.. Thank God you two didn't see. If not, I will be suan-ed like anything.

Yup, darling. We are different. Yet we know each other so well. I love ya, darling.

A few days into the holidays, a few days after the exams and I am having so much fun... Did so much things.. Lemme just briefly say what I did.

Friday
Last paper. Went for lunch with Melzone and Sam after the paper. Finally could eat in peace. Had fun gossiping and updating one another with the happenings in our lives (me and Melzone). Great lunch!
Then went to DG in the evening. Went for supper after that. Surprisingly, Fanny joined us! What a rare thing sia... Haha... Took some pics cos Ah Bee insisted on tagging her in FB (btw, Ah Bee just joined FB. Sua Ku).

Saturday
Stayed at home cos Mum was sick. Had a bad flu. Sigh... Mum cannot fall sick one la. Everytime she falls sick, even a normal flu can become so serious.

Sunday
After church, went for lunch with the usual gang. Visited Bak Gong at the hospital. So scary. First time hearing Bak Gong falling sick. He looks so ... so fragile. Then met Shawn for dinner and ice cream (the one he owe me). Muahaha.. Ice cream. Love it! Took some pics with the Christmas lights too. BUT... looking at the pics, think I look super haggard sia. Think I haven't recover from the lack of sleep caused by the wretched assignments and exams. Hope my eyebags will vanish real soon.




Monday
Accompanied Sam to shop for her dress. Had a whale of a time, laughing, lame-ing and chatting. BUT... I dunno how but I managed to have a runny nose. Guess my nose decided to run away that day. That somehow spoiled my mood a little. But, I must say I had a great deal of fun despite feeling oozy. (But my photos looked shitty! Darn it!) Shawn met us after dinner to take photos. He was our caddy, photographer, entertainer, etc.. Thanks, Big Table! He and Sam always make me laugh. Pics here are some of my favourites (the rest in FB).










Tuesday
Stayed at home. Packed my room disguised as a pigsty, watched TV, FB-ed. Nothing much.

Today
Played badminton. What was I thinking?? Playing badminton with the NIE Open champion, when the last time I played it was 3, 4 years ago!! And non-stop for 2 hours somemore! Haha.. But had a great time (cos Shawn 'put water' a lot a lot a lot. Haha..) Feels great to sweat like that. Time to get my old bones rattle a bit.. Then dinner, then movie. Another well-spent day.

Wonder what the rest of my holidays will be like….

First times..

The very first time I felt so tired and drained cos of studying.

The very first time I had assignments due 3 days before exams and DURING exams.

The very first time I spent so much effort on my assignments and yet, got worse grades than the ones I did for the past few semesters (which I did last minute).

The very first time my friends actually had to calm me down cos I went hysterical during crunch time (I used to be the one calming them down).

The very first time I actually trembled while studying for exams.

The very first time I actually trembled as I walked into the exam hall (stupid phonetics!).

The very first time I kept whining in school, even to Ludwig.

The very first time I actually do look my age or even older (have u seen the size of my eyebags?).

Just 4 months and so many first times.

But thank God. This semester is ending. It's been a real torture.