Friday, August 31, 2007

It is 4am and it has been a night of fighting...

Fighting Sleep
  • I am seated at the waiting area of Ward 45 of SGH with Phengyi and Juan, staying overnight at the hospital for Por.

Fighting Thirst
  • Por is in ICA; not sleeping, yet again.
  • She is super thirsty as she has not drank water for more than 3 days. She is not allowed to, especially now when it is diagnosed that her kidneys are failing.
  • But how do I say no to my beloved grandma and deny her the very basic of life - water?

Fighting for Air

  • Por's lungs are weak.
  • Due to this reason, she cannot have an operation to make her better.
  • Due to this reason, she cannot breathe properly and need an oxygen mask.
  • Due to this reason, water from the glucose drip got into her lungs. Water in lungs - not a good thing..

Fighting for her Life

  • Her lungs are damaged.
  • Her kidneys are damaged.
  • Doctors cannot do futher and stronger (she can only do the most basic x-rays) scans to determine what excatly the problem is cos if they do, her kidneys will fail. And if they operate to see what the problem is, her lungs may not take it and she may die on the operating table. In the doc's own words, "If we don't operate, we're waiting for her to die. But if we operate, the chances of failure is much higher than that of success."

Fighting Fear



  • It has been a roller-coaster ride of feelings for me.
  • One moment the doctors said Por's life is in danger; the next moment they said her condition is improving; the next moment they said she has to go through a very risky procedure; the next moment they said she can skip that procedure as she is showing signs of recovery though not out of crucial period yet.
  • Bad news; good news; bad news; good news; worse news; better news...
  • Fear arises; then faith; then fear; then faith; then fear again and then faith again. Now fear cos I dunno what bad news the doctors might say next.

Actually, I have the faith in God;
not that He will heal Por completely (of cos it will be the best)
but I have the faith that all things are in God's hands.
I believe Por is His daughter too and He will not shortchange her. He has the best plan for her.
If He is willing, He will heal her completely and what a great testimony of His love!
But if it is not His will to heal her, then I believe she will go peacefully and my family will have no regrets. And that too, is a great testimony of His love cos He had given Por children, grandchildren and great-grandchild who love her very very much.
And most importantly, a husband who still loves and adores her after more than half a century of marriage...

But when people start to say negative things, my mind and faith wavers...

People say they dunno what to pray for anymore.

For God to heal or for God to end the suffering (but who would dare pray this cos who knows, it might mean that God will bring Por back to heaven?). Fear creeps into me, replacing the faith I had.

But, truth be told, if Por is to be healed, then let it be that she is healed completely but if not, then I rather God take her home than let her suffer here on earth. At least, I can be sure that she is going to be with Jesus, where there is no more pain.

Oh Lord, I believe and from now onwards, I will stand firm in my belief that You are good. And You are always good to Your children. You will never ever shortchange Your children. Be it unto us, according to Your will.

It is written that Jesus is the Living Water and whosoever drinks of it will never thrist again. I claim upon that promise right now and pray that You, dear Lord Jesus, will give this water to Por and get rid of the thrist in her. Let her now sleep in peace and comfort as Your hands hold her, and Your angels surround her. I know she is safe in You hands.


(Jing Er, God has been so real and good in your life. How can you ever doubt His love?)

3:54 AM

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Por, please please get well soon. We need you..

1:02 AM

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Hey all, no internet at my new place.. So no blogging for a while.. Take care all...

11:56 AM

Sunday, August 12, 2007

TODAY'S MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST

August 12, 2007

The Theology of Resting in God

Why are you fearful, O you of little faith? —Matthew 8:26

When we are afraid, the least we can do is pray to God. But our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His name have an underlying confidence in Him. God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crisis they are the ones who are reliable. Yet our trust is only in God up to a certain point, then we turn back to the elementary panic-stricken prayers of those people who do not even know God. We come to our wits’ end, showing that we don’t have even the slightest amount of confidence in Him or in His sovereign control of the world. To us He seems to be asleep, and we can see nothing but giant, breaking waves on the sea ahead of us.

". . . O you of little faith!" What a stinging pain must have shot through the disciples as they surely thought to themselves, "We missed the mark again!" And what a sharp pain will go through us when we suddenly realize that we could have produced complete and utter joy in the heart of Jesus by remaining absolutely confident in Him, in spite of what we were facing.

There are times when there is no storm or crisis in our lives, and we do all that is humanly possible. But it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, yet without breaking our confidence in Him.

We have been talking quite a lot about sanctification, but what will be the result in our lives? It will be expressed in our lives as a peaceful resting in God, which means a total oneness with Him. And this oneness will make us not only blameless in His sight, but also a profound joy to Him.



6:00 PM


Matthew 11:28
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

5:57 PM

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


11:27 PM

Monday, August 06, 2007

The Big-Time Operator

Yes, I know God's conception of time varies greatly from mine. Yes, I know the verse that says with the Lord a thousand years is as a day. Yes, I know God takes the long-term view of temporal events, and my view is necessarily limited.

Sure, I know all that; I just don't like it very much.

As I've looked over my prayers in recent days, time plays a big role. I ask God to do something for me or for someone else. Once in a while I receive a wonderful sense of assurance that it's going to happen. Then what?

Right. The waiting starts. The waiting goes on ... and on.

When I pause to think about it, I'm right in line with the saints of old. Here are four examples.

First, when Abraham is seventy-five, God promises him a son. The man waits twenty-five years.

Second, Joseph receives dreams from God that assure him he's going to be the head man and his family will bow to him. From the time his big brothers throw him into a pit until the promise unfolds, something like twenty years transpires.

Third, Samuel secretly anoints David as the new king of Israel. The secrecy - or so it seems to me - implies haste. About forty years later, David finally receives his crown over Jerusalem. Then he waits another seven years until he becomes king of the entire nation.

Fourth, God tells Paul at his conversion that he will speak to kings. Nice wait for Paul. For three years he goes into the desert to get himself theologically straight. Then he waits another dozen years before he speaks to his first king.

Even knowing those examples, I've still begged, pleaded, and sometimes all but demanded that God do something now. However, it doesn't seem to have speeded up the divine time frame.

Over the years, I've learned a little about waiting, but not much. I still want God to answer my prayers, if not instantly, at least quickly.

Occasionally I've asked God to do things and said, "And please, do it by January 28." A few times God honored that request; most of the time, the Maker of Time has ignored my deadlines.

I've tried to connect with the Big-Time Operator on this issue. But we can't seem to find a point of agreement. I've tried every form of persuasion and manipulation I'm capable of. None of my methods work.

I'm finally learning-still in the beginning stage-to accept temporal things under the direction of the Big-Time Operator.

Here's one incident. One day I felt overwhelmed with more things to do than I could possibly get done within the next twenty-four hours. "Help me, God," I asked. "I have to figure out some way to juggle all these time demands."

Then, just as clear as if an audible voice had spoken, the Big-Time Operator whispered, "You have time to do everything you need to do."

How could I argue with that voice? The emphasis was on the word need. And that's where I focused.

I hear people who complain about "the tyranny of the urgent." That's how I had felt. Urgent things crowded all around me. Many of them weren't important; some I could choose to put off a day or two. I made a few decisions about how to respond to the screaming demands, and I actually did have enough time to do what I really had to accomplish that day. I felt better at the end of the day.

The urgent cries often creep up on me. The louder they get, the more I'm convinced I need to obey the frenzied cries and obey now From time to time I still need to remind myself of that statement: "You have time to do everything you need to do."

Another area the Big-Time Operator and I wrestle with is God's slow counting, or so it seems to me. A preacher once told me, "God is never in a hurry, but he's always on time." Great answer, but not very comforting when I'm praying, "Hurry up, God, hurry up." I struggle to accept God's concept of "on time."

Whenever I approach the Big-Time Operator, I have my watch and calendar firmly in mind. I want dates and times, but God refuses to be pinned down.

So what do I do?

I know what Abraham did. He waited twelve years, didn't see God's fulfillment take place, so he took Hagar as a concubine, a kind of second-class wife, impregnated her and got his son that way. But God said, "Sorry, Abe, that's not the son I meant. You have to wait a little longer." Another twelve years passed before the birth of Isaac.

So I know I don't want to take things into my own hands-at least not anymore. My mistake has been rushing ahead of God, and it has caused me a lot of problems. I'm a little more cautious than I used to be. I'm willing to wait, but it's a matter of ongoing prayer for me.

The other day I got really anxious about a personal matter for which I had been praying since 1985. I remembered a friend once said, "You know, in ten thousand years, you won't even remember this." The principle she wanted me to get, I think, was that the things I sweat today are soon forgotten.

I got a glimpse of this by reading through my old journals. I've been keeping yearly journals since 1972. It's painful to read pages of overwrought anxiety and concern. I agonized over one item in particular in my journal for over two weeks, every day. I had to laugh as I read it.

First, I had long forgotten the situation. Second, in 1978 it had seemed to be a life-or-death decision. Now it seems rather trivial. I felt embarrassed that I had allowed myself to get so worked up about a situation that I couldn't remember twenty years later.

As I review my past, I see how the Big-Time Operator worked in me, trying to teach me patience. When I was sixteen and wanted to date Lois, who turned me down, I had no way of knowing that I'd find the perfect wife years later after I had turned to Jesus Christ. When I felt God speak to me about going to Africa, I couldn't know that I would wait four years. My list is virtually endless. Unfortunately, I catch on slowly.

For me, the time factor comes down to two things. First, it's all right to ask. In many ways, I'm still the little kid who talks to Big Daddy, the Abba Father. I have no way of knowing how granting my request will affect anything else. How would I know that Abba Father has too much wisdom to give me what I want, or to give it to me then? But I still ask.

Second, it really is a matter of trust. A few times when I've asked and not received, especially when I had a calendar deadline, my spirits have plummeted. Many times I never did see a reason for something turning out the way it did, especially when I ended up getting a big no from God.

But my faith says, "God loves me; God loves the whole world; God does what is right and at the right time." I may not always like the way the Big-Time Operator functions in my world, but I love God enough that I'm learning to accept it with gratitude.


But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hand. --PSALMS 31:14-15, NKJV

Big-Time Operator,
when I try to think of all the timing you're involved in
every hour of every day around the universe,
it goes beyond my comprehension.
When it comes to temporal matters,
I don't understand your timetable.
I do understand, though,
that you love me, and you don't withhold what I need.
That's enough for me to understand. Amen.


11:42 PM


I need to have faith that God will speak to me when I pray. Nope, correct that. I need to have faith that mountains will be moved when I pray. That even though I may not see it, I believe the mountains are moved.

And that prayer is not boring. Start praying, even when I don't feel like it, even when it seems to me that there are better and more interesting things to do.

6:17 PM

Thursday, August 02, 2007

If u r in ur 20-s this year, read this... http://yesterday.sg/detail/lifeinthe80s/


Funny as anything... Left me in stitches after reading...

9:51 PM


"Faith is holding on to the faithfulness of God and, as long as you do that, you cannot go wrong. Faith does not look at the difficulties... Faith does not look at itself or at the person who is exercising it. Faith looks at God... Faith is interested in God only, and it talks about God and it praises God and it extols the virtues of God. The measure of the strength of a man's faith, always, is ultimately the measure of his knowledge of God... He knows God so well that he can rest on the knowledge. And it is the prayers of such a man that are answered." ~ D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

9:14 PM