Everyday I am just so amazed and awed by God's love for me. I cannot, just cannot, understand why He loves me so, but the truth is He loves me. ("You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.")

And knowing this truth has brought a smile on my face, a spring in my step, taps on my feet. (And mind you, I can do all these on a train ride. I noticed people start to notice me more on the train cos I am like a crazy woman, listening to mp3, smiling to myself, tapping loudly on my toes..)

And He shows me His love through so many, so many ways. Whatever He can use to show His love for me, He WILL use. And for the past few days, it was through His people.

~ Fong (Bless her, Lord, for her patience and understanding, her prayers and listening ear.)

~ Serene (Bless her, Lord, for her hug, her smile, her prayers and STRONG faith)

~ Ping-jie (Bless her, Lord, for her words on my blog)

~ Fen (Bless her, Lord, for her timely sms that brought tears to my eyes)

~ Lester (Bless him, Lord, for his encouragement. You see his struggles as well. Guide him.)

~ and Wee Teck (Bless him, Lord, for allowing me to share Your word with him. You see his fears and pain. Heal him and comfort him.)




Dear Daddy God,
I want to love You. I want to love You through my actions, thoughts and words. I want to love You cos You love me so much. As Your daughter, I want to make You smile. I want to make You proud. Now, it is my turn to bring a smile to Your face, a spring in Your step and taps on Your feet. Daddy God, Abba Father, teach me to love. Not the love the world shows, but the true love that You so generously give. I want to reach for Your heart. Daddy God, thank You for listening to me, Your daughter's, simple prayer.
In the name of my Saviour, Jesus Christ,
Amen

Lesson for yesterday and today: Self-will

Lord, I thank You very much for Your timely word. And I am sorry for letting You down.
Help me not to do it again.

My Utmost For His Highest
http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php?month=01&day=28&year=08
January 28, 2008
How Could Someone So Persecute Jesus!


Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? —Acts 26:14


Are you determined to have your own way in living for God? We will never be free from this trap until we are brought into the experience of the baptism of "the Holy Spirit and fire" (Matthew 3:11). Stubbornness and self-will will always stab Jesus Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds His Spirit. Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set on our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus. Every time we stand on our own rights and insist that this is what we intend to do, we are persecuting Him. Whenever we rely on self-respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His Spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever.

Is the Word of God tremendously penetrating and sharp in me as I hand it on to you, or does my life betray the things I profess to teach? I may teach sanctification and yet exhibit the spirit of Satan, the very spirit that persecutes Jesus Christ. The Spirit of Jesus is conscious of only one thing— a perfect oneness with the Father. And He tells us, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:29 ). All I do should be based on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly. This will mean that others may use me, go around me, or completely ignore me, but if I will submit to it for His sake, I will prevent Jesus Christ from being persecuted.

Lesson for yesterday: Patience
Lesson for today: Trust

Yesterday, I talked about the moulding process. As I re-read it again today, it sounds quite depressing to me. Ha.. But even though my flesh is hurting, my soul is rejoicing cos I know God is orchestrating the whole thing. My God allows me to go through it cos He wants me to be the person He has created me to be. My heart says, "Blessed be Your glorious name!".

I was reading this blog and it striked me. Not going to say anything much. Just let the words be self-explanatory.








Well, I know for sure I am in the right direction. The journey of my lifetime starts now. So from this day forth, let me blog each day on the lesson God is teaching me that day.

Today, I know for sure that God is teaching me this lesson: Be still and know that I am God. Something happened today that makes me realise I need to change that impatience nature of mine. Impatience had led Abraham to conceive Ishmael, who became a snare to many. Impatience can hinder the work of God. So I think God is showing me this and He wants me to be still and know He is God.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for the lesson learnt today. I thank You so very much for loving me and correcting me, so I can be what 'I ought to be'. Thank You. Lord, give me peace in my heart. Make me trust in You and be still and know that You are God. Make me let You be You. Patience - if that is what You want to teach me, then I want to learn this lesson. Forgive me for my impatience. Forgive me for being quick to speak. Father, mend me in my brokeness. Let me allow You to mend me, Daddy God cos You are so worth it. :)
In Jesus' sweetest and most powerful name,
Amen

I know, at this moment of my life, God is training me, moulding me to be the person He has created me to be. There is no doubt on my mind that He is doing that right now. He has shown me so many, so many signs.

I've waited a lifetime for this. Finally. To experience the fulless of Him. To truly live my life for His glory.

But hey, the moulding process hurts very very very much.

To be filled with Him, first, He needs to remove the scum I stupidly filled myself with. He needs to dig out the things I don't need but has accumulated and kept in the inside of me. To do that, He needs to dig into my innermost part and get them out. It Hurts!

Then, He needs to remould the clay I am. Kneading and pounding. It Hurts!* (Inspired by 'The Teacup Story)


Then, the wheel; then, the oven; then, the fumes of the paint; then, the oven again. Hurts, hurts, hurts!!

And today, I can feel the effect of the moulding process. By the things I am facing today, I think He is removing the scum in me. Past memories, past failures crept in so much today that I can feel the physical pain in my chest.

But yet, how can I give up now? I know the process is still long. Maybe I am still a long way to go to become that person He has created me to be. But how can I give up now?

After knowing that He has rescued me from the pit, after knowing He loves me so much, after knowing He pursues me for so long, how can I give up now? I am on the right journey already. How can I give up?

Furthermore, I know it is worth it. I will see the fullness of God once I'm done. How can I trade that for anything else?!

And you know what, God doesn't just sit there and watch me 'suffer' at the wheel or oven. He feels my pain, He speaks to me gently, He comforts me, He cries with me. He doesn't leave me alone. And how do I know that? Cos I experienced that today. It's in the little things.

#1
My mind wondered to the deepest pit today again during class. Was feeling tight-chested again when suddenly my tutor said something that woke me up. "The PRIZE is worth the PRICE." Yes, Lord. Indeed. The prize is so much greater than what I am giving up (or rather, what I am forced to give up).

#2
For some reasons, I was alone in the library, studying. Depressed cos alone. Thoughts crept in again. Then, I looked at the sky and told God, "God, I am not alone right? How come I feel alone? If You want me to know that I am not alone, can You let someone sms me on my silent handphone?" 2 minutes later, Grace sms-ed me. 1 minute later, Juan sms-ed me. Though not specifically to give me the warm, fuzzy feeling of love, at least God sent those sms-es, just like what I asked.

#3
I asked God something. Not convenient to say what here. His answer came to me unexpectantly very strong and loud. Ashamedly, I doubted. Cos I dunno if it was just me or God. Went home, checked. Really as the voice said. I realised it was really His voice.

1 Corinthians 9:24-25 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.NIV

Psalm 147:33 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.NIV

Heb 13:5"Never will I leave you;never will I forsake you."NIV

Jer 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.NIV

Psalms 30:11-1211 You turned my wailing into dancing;You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 12 that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.O LORD my God, I will give You thanks forever. NIV

John 14:1818 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. NIV

Phil 3:8-9What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in HimNIV

1 Peter 5:77 Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.AMP

Rom 5:2-53 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.NIV

Matt 11:28-3028 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."NKJV

Heb 4:14 That is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. NLT

Eph 1:3-64 For He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love 5 He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-NIV

Will tomorrow hurt again as I am being moulded again? I don't know.

But one thing I know, Jesus will be with me.

5:09 PM

Lord, I've waited a lifetime for this - to see You face to face!

My friends, this is the song. I know it in my spirit that this is the song that defines the turning-point in my life.

Verse 1:
I’ve waited all my life to be here face to face
I never knew that I could feel this kind of grace
The way You show me that Your love has washed me clean
Could never be erased, It lives inside of me

PreChorus:
Take me to that secret place
Where I can only see Your face
And nothing else will ever feel this way
You take away my guilty stains
The things I’ve done that I can't change
Its only by the power of Your name

Chorus:
I stand here in this place, see the glory on Your face
Taken by the wonder of Your name
I’m desperate for Your touch, never needed it so much
‘Cause all I want is You

Verse 2:
When all the things around me have fallen to the ground
I’m always thankful for the love in You I've found

It's been a whole week of struggling and fighting with God and myself.

Spent my whole Sat seeking God, begging for forgiveness. Felt no comfort. Still a tight tug in my heart. As I was on my knees, a voice came to me "Are you asking Me for forgiveness or are you just trying to make yourself feel better?"

Stunned, cos in my heart, I knew I was trying to make that guilt in me go away. It was about me and not about God. It was about making me feel better, not asking God to have mercy on me. Then, a friend told me, "If you are asking for forgiveness, you have gotten it."

It was then that I knew I was forgiven but the guilt in me remained. I don't know how to make it go away. 'Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4:17)'. This is the definition of sin. By this defintion, I have sinned. I sinned against the Lord. And sin separates me from God cos God is holy.

But He has not forsaken me. The wall is there cos of sin. Not cos He was angry with me or turned His face from me. I went to sleep, troubled, telling God I have to experience Him soon cos without it, well, life kinda sucks.

Today is Sunday. On the train, on the way to church, I was listening to my mp3. There was a line in Planet Shakers' "All I Want is You". This line became my heart's cry. "I'm desperate for Your touch. Never needed it so much." I told God that that is my heart's cry. I need Him to touch me. Then I went on to pray for today's service. That we C4 wants to be like Moses. We want to see His glory. Cos only in worship, we will meet Him face to face.

And then, service starts. So watcha think? Did God touch me?

Of cos He did. I mean, Jing Er, of all people should know that God hears and answers our prayers. I mean, if His children begs God their Father to show Himself to them, do you really think He will not do so?

Pastor Amos led worship. The impact of each song was like a ball of love hit me.

1st: "Blessed be Your name."
Good times, bad times, still I have to say blessed by His name. cos that's what He is. Blessed. Still great and wonderful. He gives and takes away. But my heart will choose to say 'blessed be Your name'.

2nd: "One Way"
With lyrics like that, how can I still doubt that God was touching me?
"I turn to You and You are always there. In troubled times it's You I seek."
"You are always, always there. Every how and everywhere. Your grace abounds so deeply within me. You will never ever change. Yesterday today the same. Forever till forever meets no end"

3rd: "You are so Faithful"
"Like the sun that rises everyday, You are so faithful."
Wana know why it impacted me? Read the bog entry before this. 'nuff said.

4th: "Through it All"
"You are forever in my life. You see me through the seasons."
He has never left.

5th: "I Simply Live for You"
Why this song impacted me? 2 reasons.
1) Cos it is my fave song of all. "You bind the broken hearted and You saved all my tears. By Your word, You set the captives free."
2) 'As the glory of Your presence now feels this place, In worship We will meet You face to face." My words in my prayer. God is telling me that His glory is shown to us C4. We meet Him face to face.

So, did God touch me?

Yes, very much so.

Thank You, Daddy God.

Jing Er, My dearest daughter,

Don't look down anymore.

Look up.

See the sky? Isn't it beautiful? It is made by Me, not interfered in any way by man. Look at it and remember that I make beautiful things and that includes you.

See the sun? Doesn't it rise every morning without fail? Look at it and remember that I am faithful.

See the birds in the trees? Do they worry what tomorrow brings? They don't because I am taking care of them. Look at them and remember that you are worth much more than a sparrow.

Look at my creation and see that I am always with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love you.

So, stop looking down at the ground. It has nothing for you but dirt and sorrow. Look up and see that I love you.

I sound like a broken record..

But still I must say, God is good.

If I look at the circumstances that face me, if I look at things happening around me, I think it will be hard for me to say that He is good. But everyday, He is teaching me to look at Him instead. And indeed, things grow strangely dim when I do that.

'It' has been bugging me all day long. 'It' invades my mind at most innocent times - in the midst of lectures, in the midst of chatting with friends. But His grace is sufficient for me. Thank You, Jesus. Really thank You. Where would I be without You by my side. :)

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Today is such a wonderful day.. 5 things that make me say this.

• Began the day sleepily. Haven't woke up so early for a long time. First day of school! Kinda excited though. Went to school with Hong. Glad to spend some time with her. Though we didn't talk much, but having my sister's company made a beautiful morning even more beautiful. Thank You, Lord!

• Then, I got my presents! Birthday presents, Christmas presents. Brought a HUGE and heavy bag home. So many presents!! Love all of them. What a way to start the first day of school. Thank you, Samantha, Grace and Peiling! And thank You Lord for the love of friends!!

• Next, quite sian cos 6 hours of break in between lessons in all. But admittedly, tired as I may be, I had tremendous fun. Grace bought me a game set for my birthday. We played with it. Had 11 games inside. Laughed and laughed the whole time. Was very fun! TIme kinda flew by just like that. Thank You, Lord, for the joy of friends!

• Well, insecure and sad feelings, doubts n hints of depression did invade my mind unsuspectingly at times and I am ashamed to say that I let them dwell in my mind a tad too long. But all I can say is God is good. His grace is sufficient. The minute I told God to take control of my thoughts, peace that is unexplainable washed over me. Well, He did promise peace to us all (John 14:27)!

• And most importantly, God spoke to me today. It wasn't a grand revelation or anything. It was just a causal, sweet conversation. He was telling me that He loves me, that I am never alone, that all He does (even when I don't understand) is the best. (Those who were wondering, it wasn't an audio conversation. It was enabled by the Holy Spirit. Somehow, you just know it when He is speaking to you. Like today, I gazed at the sky and was speechless and overwhelmed. God is beautiful and He makes beautiful things.)

And also, I have been reading blogs of women whose sole purpose in life is to be radically obedient to God. I am tremendously blessed and encouraged by their lives. God is good. Read this quote on one of the blogs:

To look around
is to be distressed
To look within is to be
depressed.
To look up is to be
blessed.

How true it is.

To look around is to be distressed. (I did got a bit sad when I saw Peiling n Henry and Zoie n her hubby)
To look within is to be depressed. (I look at the things I did in the past and got depressed)
To look up is to be blessed. (I look and focus on God and things got strangely dim.)

I love You so much, Daddy God. Love Ya, love Ya, love Ya! (maybe some people will feel that I am childish in expressing like this. But I think it will bring a smile to Your face, Daddy God. Like King David said, "I'll become even more undignified than this.")

My soul..

Last week, it was during thanksgiving service on Sunday and the spiritual ambience was so sweet and powerful. I remembered very clearly I told God this: "Lord, this is the real me, isn't it? The Jing Er that You have in mind when You created me. The Jing Er whose main sole purpose is to worship You, to kneel at Your throne and gaze upon Your beauty. The Jing Er whose eyes are on You all the time. This is my soul, is it not? The soul that is untainted by the fallen world."

Oh, woe is me when I got out of Your courts and got thrown into the world again. Feelings of insecurity, negative thoughts, selfishness came rushing to me like nobody's business. I did things I know I shouldn't be doing. I pissed people I care about. Oh, woe is my flesh! Why are you above my soul! My flesh, this is not the real Jing Er. My soul is! Indeed! One day in Your courts is better than a thousand days outside!

But I thank You, Lord, that Your grace is sufficient for me. You are just so amazing beyond words. Your love for me is so overwhelming. I promise You in this year, I will do my utmost in putting my soul on. I will honour You in all I do. Not about me, but about You. This year, I want to make You proud. This year, I will say 'yes' to my soul and say 'no' to my flesh.

Stumbled upon this blog a few days back. Love the stories this child of God came up with.

Saw her profile and I cried.

"His Handmaiden
Some says God is real, some says God is not. Some asks me, "Dear XXX, do you think God is real or not." I laugh and I smile, and I give them no answer, what a foolish question to ask me, when God talks and walks with me, everyday of my life. I am puzzled by the people, looking at them, I stand amazed, why are people trying so hard to prove or disprove someone that is just beside me all the times. True, I cannot see His face. True, I cannot touch His hands. But I thought I can feel His heart beating every single moment of my life. When I am sad, I feel He is sad. When I laugh, He laughs with me. When I am scared, He says, "Hush, don't fear." When I am bad, He is not afraid to discipline me. But no matter what, God is just there besides me, like a Father, like a brother, like a friend, a master and a husband, every moment of my life. And I think I know Him even if I do not see His face, I can feel He is there with me, every moment, indeed! "

The following is her first entry in her blog. Worth reading as it reminds us of how real n loving He is...


East Coast Park was the place she loved to go to. Evening was her best friend. She always visited East Coast Park with him. It was when he was doing his round that East Coast Park always had a bench that no one would sit in.There, sitting quietly alone, she would gently reflect about life and spent her time together with God.

Today was her birthday. But no one remembered it. No one bothered to.

She was not a popular girl. She was never a popular girl.

She was not a pretty girl. She was never pretty.

She was not a wise girl. She was never wise.

She was not a talented girl.

God is good, she was absolutely sure He is so, but somehow, in making her, He must have accidentally forgotten to give her a talent.

“Nobody remembered my birthday, Lord.” Xiao Hui uttered sadly, in sorrow.

She could feel the Lord just sitting beside her on the bench as they watched the sunset together.

“Not me. I remember.” It was a gentle whisper.

“Thank you,” replied Xiao Hui with a smile, a forced kind of smile.

Her heart was comforted by the Lord's love for her, but it was still sad over the fact that no human being remembered her birthday.

“See, I make you a birthday cake.” The same gentle whisper.

The cloud in the sky did appear to look like the shape of a cake.

Xiao Hui laughed, “Too bad I can't eat it, Lord.”

She could feel the Lord laughed together with her.

“You can, one day, when you come home to me. I guarantee you it will be the tastiest cake you will have ever eaten.” The Lord spoke in an assuring manner.

“I will love to taste it, dear Lord when I get home,” replied Xiao Hui.

She knew her Lord will never lie to her.

She could feel the Lord smiling with joy even as she said that. Her faith in Him was what always pleased Him most.

“I was not selected for the mission team, my Lord,” Xiao Hui said, sadly.
“They said I had asthma.”

“I know,” the Lord replied, gently.

“I was also not selected for the church's choir, my voice was not in harmony with the rest of the team,” said Xiao Hui with a sigh.
“I did my best to fit in.”

“I know,” said the Lord, gently.

He was a good listener. There was the best thing about Him. He always listened before He spoke. He was very patient.

“The ushers' team had too many people, so it did not want me, either.” A tear fell down the eye of Xiao Hui.

“I know,” said the Lord, quietly. He placed an arm of His around the sorrowful girl.

“Nobody wanted me,” said Xiao Hui in a sad tone.

“Not me. I wanted you,” said the Lord, gently, still as patiently as ever.

Xiao Hui smiled, “Thank you, Lord.”

It was getting dark. The sun was almost nowhere to be seen.

“My Lord, I feel so much better, now. Thank you so much for being here with me,” said Xiao Hui with sincerity. The Lord smiled. Not many people remembered to thank Him for what He had done.

Xiao Hui got off her bench, walked to a quiet spot where no one was watching and fell on her knees. There, she began to pray profusely for God to help her church in every endeavor it was in, for God to look at the needs of the lonely and unwanted in society and for her entire nation Singapore to come to know the Lord, one day.

The Lord smiled as His hands prepared to move.