It's 2.42am in the morning. I couldn't sleep. Maybe it's the new environment. (Btw, I just moved into hall today.)

Decided to change my blog address as the friendster one kept giving me problems. Well, new school year, new hall, new blog, new start, new life.

Why new life, you may wonder. I've been living a God-less life these past few months. Dunno why, I just decided to put God out of my mind and thoughts and life. Maybe it was because of family problems, maybe it was because of some hurts and disappointments I see in Christians, maybe it was this messed-up world, maybe it was all of the above and they caused a chain reaction to make me stray away or backslide (I never thought I can backslide.)

Anyhow, this past week, God had been pulling me back. Or rather, He has always been drawing me back but I chose to ignore those tugs in my heart. A 17th-century French philosopher said there's a God-shaped vacuum in every human heart. I took God out of that vacuum a few months ago and I tried so hard in suppressing that longing. I tried to fill that void with so many things. But alas, I still felt empty, so very empty. Even though I tried to suppress or even deny that longing within me, it surfaced again and again. Starting this week, I began to start reading His word a little. Speak to Him a little. These are baby steps, but hey, at least I am advancing.

Today in church, as I stood for worship, I remembered what I shared with my DG pple before. "As I stood facing the worship team, it dawned on me that every week as I stand at this same spot, looking at the same stage, God is telling me that every week, He will always be there, a chance for me to reconcile with Him." This came back to me today. God is always waiting for us. When we feel down and low and far away from Him, guess who was the one who ran? As Eric led worship today, my heart was half there, half not there. Already so many tugs in my heart and yet for reasons I cannot comprehend, I chose to be stubborn. Then, something Eric said (or was it one part of the lyrics to a song) "I'm found in the desert." Yes, the desert is so big and dry and lifeless, just like this messed-up world. But hey, you know what, God found me. He found me. I am not lost.

Again, I remembered something I said in the past. During the latest mission trip, I shared with the youth in the Philippines "Each one of us are created for a reason. God is a very busy God, He has to take care of so many so many things. Making sure that the Sun always rises at sunrise and sets at sunset, that different flowers bloom at certain times, answering the zillions of prayers, yet, He took the time to make you and I. When He made us, it was not for fun or just for the sake of it. When He made us, He is commiting Himself to take care of us as long as we live. He knows that we will break His heart many many times. He knows that even though we promise to love and serve Him, we will still fall short. But hey, He still made us, regardless of that. He is willing to bear with all our nonsense cos of one simple reason. He loves us.He Himself is love, for God is love. He cannot dun love! For His very nature is love. Nothing we can do can make Him love us any less, nothing we can do can make Him love us any more."

I want to love You again, Lord. I was lost but now am found. I know now that for me to live without You is a lie, a very big lie.