Life in this Messed-up World

Friday, August 31, 2007

It is 4am and it has been a night of fighting...

Fighting Sleep

I am seated at the waiting area of Ward 45 of SGH with Phengyi and Juan, staying overnight at the hospital for Por.

Fighting Thirst

Por is in ICA; not sleeping, yet again.
She is super thirsty as she has not drank water for more than 3 days. She is not allowed to, especially now when it is diagnosed that her kidneys are failing.
But how do I say no to my beloved grandma and deny her the very basic of life - water?

Fighting for Air

Por's lungs are weak.
Due to this reason, she cannot have an operation to make her better.
Due to this reason, she cannot breathe properly and need an oxygen mask.
Due to this reason, water from the glucose drip got into her lungs. Water in lungs - not a good thing..

Fighting for her Life

Her lungs are damaged.
Her kidneys are damaged.
Doctors cannot do futher and stronger (she can only do the most basic x-rays) scans to determine what excatly the problem is cos if they do, her kidneys will fail. And if they operate to see what the problem is, her lungs may not take it and she may die on the operating table. In the doc's own words, "If we don't operate, we're waiting for her to die. But if we operate, the chances of failure is much higher than that of success."

Fighting Fear

It has been a roller-coaster ride of feelings for me.
One moment the doctors said Por's life is in danger; the next moment they said her condition is improving; the next moment they said she has to go through a very risky procedure; the next moment they said she can skip that procedure as she is showing signs of recovery though not out of crucial period yet.
Bad news; good news; bad news; good news; worse news; better news...
Fear arises; then faith; then fear; then faith; then fear again and then faith again. Now fear cos I dunno what bad news the doctors might say next.

Actually, I have the faith in God;
not that He will heal Por completely (of cos it will be the best)
but I have the faith that all things are in God's hands.
I believe Por is His daughter too and He will not shortchange her. He has the best plan for her.
If He is willing, He will heal her completely and what a great testimony of His love!
But if it is not His will to heal her, then I believe she will go peacefully and my family will have no regrets. And that too, is a great testimony of His love cos He had given Por children, grandchildren and great-grandchild who love her very very much.
And most importantly, a husband who still loves and adores her after more than half a century of marriage...

But when people start to say negative things, my mind and faith wavers...

People say they dunno what to pray for anymore.
For God to heal or for God to end the suffering (but who would dare pray this cos who knows, it might mean that God will bring Por back to heaven?). Fear creeps into me, replacing the faith I had.

But, truth be told, if Por is to be healed, then let it be that she is healed completely but if not, then I rather God take her home than let her suffer here on earth. At least, I can be sure that she is going to be with Jesus, where there is no more pain.

Oh Lord, I believe and from now onwards, I will stand firm in my belief that You are good. And You are always good to Your children. You will never ever shortchange Your children. Be it unto us, according to Your will.

It is written that Jesus is the Living Water and whosoever drinks of it will never thrist again. I claim upon that promise right now and pray that You, dear Lord Jesus, will give this water to Por and get rid of the thrist in her. Let her now sleep in peace and comfort as Your hands hold her, and Your angels surround her. I know she is safe in You hands.

(Jing Er, God has been so real and good in your life. How can you ever doubt His love?)

3:54 AM