This is a response to an email I sent someone who I look up to as a spiritual leader. I have no words but that God does speak audio-ly.
(Names are deleted to protect the innocent.)

Hi XXX,

this is Jing Er. It's been a month since we talked. I must say that in this month, God is good, as always.

However, recently, I am feeling lost again, as you had predicted. I do really want to honour God in all things that I do. I do not understand why on some days, I can dare say I had lived out that day trumiphantly for Him and yet, the very next day, I feel defeated. It's like one day, I can feel the Holy Spirit by my side, talking to me and then, the next day, He's not there.

I feel as if there is a wall between God and I now. A contrite spirit, it's really what I am feeling. I feel lost and weary. It seems to me that I am living out what Paul said "Things I should do, I do not do. Things I should not do, I keep doing."

How do I live each day in His presence? How can I accept grace and
yet not take it for granted? How can I live totally dependent on Him?

XXX, I am sorry to bother you again. I just feel that I need spiritual
guidance in this and there is no one else I can talk to about this. I know I cannot carry on like this. I want to live my days for God. I want to be the clay the God is moulding. I want to be the person God made me to be.

Sorry again, for bothering you.

Jing Er


Hi Jing Er,

First of all, do not be apologetic for bothering me. I do not find you a bother at all. Instead I am glad that you share your feelings below withme. What I predict is from the Lord, because the Holy Spirit speaks through me - not because I am holy or great, but because I yield to Him. Just know this, my door (and YYY's) is always open for you. Don'tbe shy shy.

Secondly, do you remember what we talked about? Let me put it in another way. We have fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23), so we will never meet God's standard. in fact, until God gives us a new body (in the end days predicted in the book of Revelations) we have the propensity to sin against God. I too have my fair share of going back to the old sinful ways, of telling God that I would not walk this way, but walked it again and again. It is through this personal walk (which I am not proud of)that I learnt about God's forgiveness, and God's unconditional love. I also learnt that in order to receive His full and complete forgiveness, I must learn to forget about myself, my failings, and be contrite before Him. To receive His love means that you must die to your sins,shortcomings, and failings.

The wall that you feel is put there to remind you that God is holy, and you must be holy. But it is not a wall that you cannot climb over. But you cannot climn over it on your own, because we are saved not by our works (Eph 2:8-9) but by grace of God. You need a boost or lift - that is from Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Do not let you sins/imperfections/failings draw you away from God. This is why the devil wants. Do what God wants. He wants you to draw near to Him, - a brokenheart and contrite spirit He will not despise!. God reveals your shortcomings - not to humuliate you, but to teach you to deny yourself,take up the cross and follow Him. Remember what we shared - if you focus on your shortcomings and stray away from God, then, it is all about you. It is not about you. It is all about God. God forgives, God loves, God embraces, God moulds, God refines, God purifies, God sanctifies, God accepts. This is the great God that you know and have experienced. Know Him again. Experience Him again.

Thirdly, you are not on the wrong track because you felt contrite. You must now challenge your contrition towards God, and not aware from God. God gives us a conscience - not to torment us, but to draw us to God. To tell us that we need God for apart from Him, we can do nothing (John15:5). You will notice that I have cite a number of bible verses - not because I trying to show off. But because the Holy Spirit tells me that you need to the cleansing effect of God's words in these verses. God's words purfies. Read it, mediate on it, pray on it, believe it and act on it.

XXX

I just want to add that nobody in this world can honour God in everything he does, except Jesus when he came to Earth as man. So don't be too hard on yourself. I remember at the lunch that you said you seem unable to keep to the promises that you made to God. Le't forget all these promises because I believe that God is more interested in you than those promises.Since Jesus loves you, he said in Rev 3;20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in tohim and dine with him, and he with Me." So invite Jesus to come into yourheart again.

YYY