Was told to do a reflection to 'demonstrate thoughtful and intentional inquiry into who you are,

how did you get there and who will you be.' It was a time of reflecting and think it is something worth putting here.



‘We are a product of experiences (Freidus, 1998, pg 51).’ How true that is. No one has the exact

same personal experiences in life and hence, no one is the same. No one was brought up the

same way as I was (perhaps my siblings but even so, their perspectives may differ). No one had

gone through exactly what I had gone through in my 25 years of life. Hence, I can dare say that

there is no one like Jing Er in this world.


Who am I? This is a question I had been asking myself growing up. I am born and bred in

Singapore and in Singapore, our future seems to be paved out for us the moment we are born.

The typical Singaporean goes through twelve years of compulsory education, then to pre-

university, then to university. Upon graduation, we work, get married, have children, work until

retirement, get our CPF and then we die. So much so that I seemed to have taken for granted

that that is my life too. I dared not dream. Dreams, for me, only happened when I slept or when

I escaped into the wonderful world of books. I simply followed what others told me to do or what

the current trend was. That was what happened to me in university. I got admitted to National

University of Singapore. In my past twelve years of education, my teachers were the ones who

helped me decide what was best for me. And now, for the first time in my life, I had to choose

what I wanted to study. I had no idea what I wanted and so I took up the most popular modules

then; economics and Japanese studies. My heart was not in what I was studying and hence I did

very badly. Coupled with other circumstances in my life then, I was forced to quit school in my

second year.


This led to what was probably the darkest period of my life. I had no idea what I wanted or

worse, who I was. It was then that suddenly my faith became such an important factor to me. I

had been going to church since young but I was nothing more than a ‘Sunday Christian’. This is a

term used to describe people who are at their ‘holiest’ on Sundays but on other days, no one can

tell that they are Christians from the way they behave. My faith in God brought me to my feet.

It brought me light. If not for God, I guessed I would have died many times. In this period of

searching for myself, I became more involved in the Sunday School in my church. I started to

teach the children there. I realised I enjoyed teaching them. I enjoyed being with children.

However, I was apprehensive at first. Do I really dare to influence such young minds,

considering how ‘messed-up’ my own life is? A poem I came across began to, slowly but surely,

change this mindset of mine. It is called ‘Our Deepest Fear’ by Marianne Williamson.


‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond

measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to

be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so

that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We

were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in

everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do

the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’


With this mindset that I, no matter how insignificant I feel, can influence young lives and can

liberate them, I took up contract teaching. Those seven months of being a form teacher of a

Primary Two class and an encounter with a parent whose ADHD son was in my class affirmed

me that being a teacher was what I wanted. The revelation that the little insignificant Jing Er can

touch lives and somehow make their lives better led me to sign on the dotted line with MOE.


However, as much as I would like it to be, I have not lived happily ever after since. Teaching is

not a bed of roses. Those seven months of contract teaching and two stints of practicum told me

that. Teaching has many demands with its rigid curriculum, neverending admininstrative work

and overbearing parents. I can truly identify with Kohl as I did the Ayers’ reading. We, teachers,

seem to be ‘in conflict with the role (we were) hired to perform’, always having to deal with

‘meaningless textbooks’ and ‘the tightness with time’ (Ayers, 1992, pg. 39-40). Can I really be

the teacher I want to be? Or will I be the teacher I am forced to be? Kohl, who had found his own

teaching voice, proved that yes, I can be the teacher I want to be. But it involves hard work,

boldness and courage to do that as we have to do things differently. It involves me being able to

stand up to my beliefs and values. But can little old me do it? Will I be adequate enough to meet

my students’ needs? Will I be revert to the old Jing Er, who followed blindly the ways of the

world (in this case, the ways of the school I will be teaching in) and in the process of doing so,

conform my students to that as well? No! I will not! I have witnessed and experienced for myself

how terrible it is to have no dreams or aim in life. I will not subject my students to that. Ghaye

and Ghaye (1998, pg 37) believed that ‘at the point of career entry, student teachers need to

have a set of personally-owned professional values that they can articulate and defend, and

know how to respond in school when encountering others who hold conflicting and alternative

values equally as strongly as themselves.’ Indeed, having these values will help me make clearer

choices when teaching. They will act as a compass for me. I will not be lost like I used to be. My

number one value shall be this: I believe children should have a fun and happy time in class to

explore, discover and dream because it can serve as an escapism for them in response to their

stressful and mudane young lives, giving them an opportunity to discover for themselves who

they are and who they want to be. It sure is going to take a lot of boldness and courage to stick to

this value of mine as it is not the norm.


As Wigginton said, ‘…teaching became messier for him, harder work, more complicated and

contradictory, but it was also more genuine, more alive, and more honest, and therefore more

uplifting and worth doing (Ayers, 1992, pg 42).’ If being a teacher can make me bolder, stronger

and more alive, then a teacher is what I want to be. If I am able to be that, then I will be

liberated and my ‘presence will automatically liberates others’.